Buffy the Vampire Slayer Diaries
by RachMachine
Summary: Tells the personal feelings of each BTVS character. Hits on personal issues that create an abundance of feeling and emotion. Included, Post Dark Willow and Dawn. Chapter 2 now up!
1. Dark Willow Musings

BTVS Diaries: Dark-Willow Musings+++

Xander:

Willow's always been the happy-go-lucky one of us. I mean, she has that peppy red hair and her cheery-Willow-nature thing. But, man, has she had it bad lately. I mean, first, in High School, there was that Oz thing. Which, if you ask me, was bad enough. It was like _"Look there's a guy that seems relatively nice_. _And, hey, no sign of fangs or shudder praying mantis claws. Let's try this out."_ And he obviously thought, _"Oh, gee, what a nice girl she is! And she's completely normal. Like I am pretending to be." _So I guess it was only understandable that things sort of went weird when he turned out to be all wolfy and she turned out be all witchy and then he left her for that hairy girl. And she realized she wasn't, you know, into guys like she'd recently believed… And then Tara came along and all that magic stuff sort of blew up in their faces. Then there was the Dawn-turning-out-to-be-some-magical-key-thing and the Buffy dying and the bringing-Buffy-back-from-the-dead and the whole Buffy-wasn't-in-Hell-like-we-all-thought-but-in-Heaven-where-she-wanted-to-be. And there were all the Tara-Willow break-ups.

But, Willow being that crazy positive nut that she is, didn't go crazy. She did sort of break Dawn's arm in a car accident resolving from a high on too much magic, but she still remained, you know, Willow-ish. Which is a lot considering what there was there to make normal people lose it.

So either none of that was catastrophic enough, or this last thing sort of pushed her over the edge. I mean, it _was_ Tara. We all cared for Tara. And of course we all cared for Willow. And seeing her happy was really great. She loved Tara. We all did. So Willow losing it sort of made sense to her. I mean, it sort of makes sense to all of us if we really think about it. She loved her and she was gone and she couldn't get her back. So she went crazy. She went off the deep end and it was really scary. Seeing that nerd Warren skinless was really disturbing. _Willow_ was really disturbing. It was horrible seeing her like that. Buffy and I were so distracted with Buffy's nonfatal injury and we didn't know at first that Tara had even died. It all happened so fast.

I love Willow. I love Willow so much. So when she went up there, on that hill, of course I went up there too. If I was going to die I wanted to die with her. With my best friend since kindergarten. With Willow Rosenburg.

XXX

Anya:

She really loved Tara, like I loved Xander. Maybe even more. I don't know. I'm not Willow so I can't _think_ for her. If Xander died, and he hadn't, you know, left me at the alter, I would go crazy too. I think I'd go crazy even _though_ he left me at the alter. I really miss Xander. But Willow went angry-crazy. All that power and energy and anger and vengeance she radiated was really scary. It scared all of us. Especially Xander, I think, because they are best friends. I don't know what it feels like to have a best friend, but I think it's much like having a lover. I think Xander loves Willow. I think he _loves her_. I mean, how else could he have gone up there and talked her out of destroying the world? Destroying the world is a very big deal. It is not easy to talk witches, or demons or any sort of being out of destroying. But Xander did.

What was it that Giles had said? _"It was he who got to her in time. He saved us all."_ He did sort of save us all.

I really like Giles. I am truly glad he didn't die. I hate it when people die. Like Buffy's mom. She was the first one that died. I didn't understand it, why she couldn't get up and go on. It seemed so stupid. And then Buffy died and everyone was crying and acting all horrible and tragic. And now Tara. All of this because of Tara- that woman that Willow loved.

I hate human emotion, I think. But, then again. I don't know. It seems so useless sometimes, but then everyone seems so full of it. And it makes everything so much richer and it burdens people _so much_ but they keep on doing it. They keep on living, and dying and crying for each other. It's so pointless but they _still_ do it. Like Tara. She died because of that one guy shot her. He didn't even shoot _her_ because he was aiming at Buffy, but because of some insane resolution of events _she_ died instead. It's not even fair. Humans are so unfair. _Why_ do they die? Why do they hurt each other so much? Why do they say they love each other but then leave them standing in the church in a white dress holding flowers and looking so ready to be married?

I hate mortals! Why do they fall in love and get killed? And why do all the _good ones_ die?

XXX

Dawn:

Everything is all wrong around here. Tara shouldn't be dead. Willow and Tara were so _wonderful _together. The way they looked at each other made it seem like everything was normal and they weren't witches and Buffy wasn't the slayer and Anya wasn't a demon and Giles hadn't left and there weren't thousands of vampires and nasty ghoulie things lurking in the shadows. When Tara and Willow were together it just seemed like everything was so perfect. Buffy even seemed to perk up around them.

Xander even smiled, I think, when he saw them. I feel sorry for Xander. And for Anya. They loved each other too. Anya really wanted to get married. I guess Xander… I don't know. It's really sad how she just stood there and waited.

Anyways, Willow never deserved this. She'd worked _so hard_ to get clean again. And I know she never meant to get us into that car accident or to go all crazy with the magic sometimes. She was so great to all of us and she was like my big sister. So was Tara. They were like my big sisters that were in love. It was really sweet.

When I found Tara… I mean, when I walked inside and then up into Willow and Tara's room. Um. I guess I face the fact everyday that Buffy might die… Again. But she's the _slayer_. Tara isn't even really involved in this. Not really. It's not _fair!_ I hate it!

When Willow was up there trying to end the world and Buffy and I were down in the hole in the cemetery and Willow made all those root people attack us, I know it wasn't because she meant to. It was just that all she could think about was Tara. I was scared we would die because I really thought Buffy didn't care anymore. I thought the end of the world was just another thing to her. And Spike was gone. He's still gone. And that whole thing about Buffy and Spike together… I can't believe he'd do that to her. I think he loves her though. I think that's why he left.

There's so much love-tragedy stuff around here. Buffy and Spike and Xander and Anya and Willow and Tara. Everything is so horrible. I feel so bad for Willow. I really miss Tara.

XXX

Buffy:

Tara's dead. Spike's gone. Anya's a vengeance demon again. Dawn thought I didn't care whether we lived or died. Giles almost died. Willow almost destroyed the world. I guess things could be worse.

XXX


	2. Dawn Musings

BTVS Diaries: Dawn Musings+++

Halfrek:

I could feel her pain radiating throughout Sunnydale. It was an honour to help her avenge that. Obviously no one else noticed the extent of her emotional wounds. Her whole clan is blind, especially that slayer sister of hers. She can sniff out a vampire from 50 miles away, but her own was-a-key-is-now-her-sister? She's blinder than Bringers. It's a true pity Anyanka isn't still a vengeance demon. She was quite the woman! Still… I'm glad I got this one. _I_ could plainly see her pain, even if everyone else couldn't. It could be because I have a sense for that, but it may also be because it was so freaking obvious.

XXX

Xander:

Dawn? _Troubled_? I didn't expect _that_ after everyone found out she was created by _monks_. Oh, _that_ wasn't a big deal. Oh she's not real? Fix her a cup of _hot chocolate_. She wasn't _born_ like the rest of us? Take her out for_ icecream. _Did we think this thing was just going to go away? No. We didn't. None of us are _that_ naïve. Yeah I've been sort of interminably naïve when it came to dating. Ampata didn't _look_ a thousand years old. That teacher that turned out to be a praying mantis? Did _not_ expect that. But Dawn? Did we have the smallest little thought that she was going to go on like Buffy and just keep on swinging? No. She's just a kid.

I didn't know it had gotten this bat. I can't believe none of us even _noticed_ how bad it was getting. It wasn't as if we didn't have our own apocalyptically crazy problems. Buffy dieing? Not exactly the ingredients you put into a happy-happy-joy-joy pie. Buff's been distant lately, which is expected considering we didn't exactly save her from an existence of eternal damnation.

Anya and I _have _been sorta busy with the marriage thing. And Tara and Willow are going through a rough patch. Spike certainly isn't helping the situation, what with his trying to win Buffy's heart, though that will never happen, and his horny undead ways.

But, _still_… Yeah, Dawn's not been number one on _any _of our concern list, but it's not like we don't all _love _her. I don't know _why_ none of us tried to touch this before.

XXX

Tara:

Oh… Poor Dawn. I hate how she's always in the middle of everything. It's not fair that she just has to be here and go through all this death. She's _young_. Her sister just _died_. I hate this. I do. We've all been revolving around our own things and all this time Dawn's been feeling like _this_. Poor thing.

XXX

Willow:

Dawnie has always been- well, she's been for a while, since she became human and all- everyone's little sister. Aparently we're all too self-centered to notice, or too busy or too oblivious to notice it. It's like- _Hey! _Little sister Dawnie doesn't _want_ to play with her toys. Little sister Dawnie is crying. Little sister Dawnie was just practically born and she could so with a little _introduction_, instead of just instantly throwing her into the fight. God, how could we have been so sightless?

XXX

Anya:

Most often I cannot stand human teenagers. They are self-actuated, full of themselves over the most pathetic things, depressed and _boring_, and too stubborn to care about anyone other than themselves. In all truth I would rather have lunch with a dozen feral demons. I've don't that actually and it was entirely unpleasant. Gorian ate the waiter and Sofsorian brought kittens for desert. That was a _mess_ to clean up. Stupid oafs.

As for Buffy's younger sister… Well she's been robbing me. I feel _something_ toward her, though, and I don't _think_ it's hatred. She's not my favorite human and she reeks of supernatural monastery waste, but… I have to feel sorry for the little urchin, I suppose, being Xander's fiancé. Buffy's expecting me to invite her to the wedding and I was _going _to until I found out she was the cause for all the missing items at the shop… I guess, well, if she can resist stilling the table displays, she can come.

I don't want her to _cry_ again.

XXX

Clem:

She's a good kid. She's different from Buffy; a bit more _tormented_, if that's possible. Younger and a tad bit more _emotional_. But she's a good kid. Spike seems to really like her. He treats her like his little sister. I think she just needs some _attention_. All this demon stuff spawning from the hell-mouth here in Sunnydale puts a damper on most kids happiness scale. She's welcome to come watch TV with me anytime. I'm always up for a visitor.

XXX

Richard:

I don't know what the hell went on in that house, but that's the last party I go to for a while. I don't _care_ if they _say _that guy that a skin condition… He looked _weird_. Scary. _Unhuman_. As for the rest of them? The only person there that even had the hint of normalcy was that Xander guy. Someone needs to let him know that he's gotten himself in with a bad crowd. As soon as this wound heals- and by the way, how the hell did I get this wound? –I'm moving to L.A.

XXX

Sophie:

They're a nice family. Buffy's really… um… devoted to her family. Her sister is sort of sad… But. I liked them… Um.

XXX

Spike:

The little sis needs someone her own age to contend with. Everyone _has _someone except her. And I _know_ Buffy's not been around lately, which is understandable if you get what I'm saying. She's been, you know… _Busy. _And the others? The witches and demons and _Xander_? For crying out loud. They're all a bunch of bloody sods too busy to be with her. The girl _needs _someone.

Ever since Buffy died… Well, I think Dawn blames herself. It wasn't the kid's fault. It was either Buffy die or the world end. Isn't that how it always is? Whatever. The little sis needs someone to _talk _to. She's never got anyone to talk to.

XXX

Buffy:

We're out of milk. _Again._ I _hate _buying groceries. God… I don't have time to deal with this.

XXX


End file.
